Monday, February 18, 2013

Secrets of the 16th President.

The lurid truth behind Lincoln's presidency is has remained a secret -UNTIL NOW!


1. The man shot by John Wilkes Booth was just one of a number of Life Model Decoys used by President Lincoln. One of these clockwork automatons is even rumored to have delivered the Gettysburg Address. A few of these machines have continued to function well into the 21st century, and one is currently on display in the Hall of Presidents at Disney World in Orlando Florida.

2. Lincoln faked his own death in an attempt to confound the Theosophical Society during the height of Helena Blavatsky's clandestine war against the U.S. Government.

3. It is said that the President used psychic attacks to dominate the actor John Wilkes Booth into shooting him, after which he laid for many months in a state of shamanic trance while his astral body conquered Mars.

4. Abraham Lincoln spent much of his youth calling himself a "Vampire Hunter". In truth, all he really did was chop up a lot of innocent people with his magic axe. The Whig Party declared it a simple case of 'boys being boys' and made up that vampire thing as a cover story.

5. Lincoln went totally Phasic in 1900.

6. Some time around 1920 Abraham Lincoln experienced a sudden growth-spurt, bringing him to a towering 28 feet tall. Giant Abe rampaged through Washington for nearly a week before a coven of Medusae were brought in to deal with him. His petrified remains are now a popular tourist destination.

7. His famous stove pipe hat actually contained a head-mounted prototype of the gatling gun. The President was said to be fond of squeezing off a couple rounds at the bar while screaming "Four score and seven beers ago, motherfuckers!", much to the dismay of the dancing girls.

8. was totes down with the ganja.

9. "A.B.E. Lincoln" was actually a composite identity created by three identical triplet brothers born with dwarfism. Aloysius , Barnabus, and Eduardo would stand atop each others' shoulders, and would take turns playing the head. Almost no one noticed.

10. The 16th President secretly diverted treasury funds to back a number of crime fighting vigilantes, including the Lone Ranger and Zorro.

11. He was banned from every re-entering the Scientific City of Murania after a voter fraud scandal.

12. Abe grew the beard after an expedition in to an Aztec tomb left his face ravaged by Mummy Rot.

13. Lincoln was actually a random hick possessed by the vengeful spirit of Martin Van Buren.

14. Abe loved to strut around the Lincoln Bedroom wearing heels and a whalebone corset, much to the embarrassment of Mary Todd.

15. "Honest Abe" is a nickname earned during his witch hunting days, and arises out of a reputation for being able to torture the truth from even the most sinister acolyte of Satan.

16. The copper used in pennies is a direct spiritual conduit to the Ascended Abrahamic Overmind, and allows the entity once called Abraham Lincoln to scry any room or pocket containing one. This is why the Treasury will never phase them out.

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